I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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