a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
