i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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