My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
