did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
