I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
