Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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