If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry