woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
