took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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