The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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