o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
