I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
