You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
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He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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