Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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