it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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