i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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