Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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