I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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