Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.