I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
