I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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