I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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