I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
