You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Girls should come with a carfax report
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
