She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need to align my fucking chakras
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
