I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
