apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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