yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
