I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
