i just wanna soil my oats bro
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
