Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
