I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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