Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
