ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths