I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
