Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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