operation have a gay friend backfired
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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