So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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