It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
