i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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