So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
