as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
