My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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