Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
