If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
