i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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