If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?