i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration