M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this