If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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