glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
