I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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