I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
