He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
