Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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