When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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